All Posts in the ‘rage’ Category

What Can They Do To You?

December 22nd, 2016 | By andrena in betrayal, Church, death, Friends, General, grace, Healing, Health, rage | No Comments »

I didn’t realize that my silence has been felt by a few…thank you for checking in on me. It’s been a lot going on, and I have had to ‘ground’ myself as best I could. I am relatively okay, and I love you.

As you know, this has been terrifically challenging year for me and mine. I know as I was going through, I took a lot of you with me. I believe that is how Christ would have us be during challenging times. Things were going so fast and hard at one point, I can’t believe I didn’t lose my mind, in addition to almost losing my life.

I have suffered great loss, this year:

Serious loss of my health as I knew it, loss of my vocation, loss of the congregation and membership. Some of that loss seemed and felt unnecessary in its machinations.

But as Paul would write to the church in Corinth:

“We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed.”– 2 Corinthians 4:8-9

I am sure my feelings were not in the same manner as Paul’s, considering what he was going through, but I can very well attest to these feelings, and gosh darn-it, a few times I almost caved in.

My heart was about to give out on me, I had to have not one, but two operations for a successful pacemaker/defibrillator implantation.  I don’t have to repeat everything that happened during that time, I documented it all on Facebook, of which I was somewhat chastised.   I have had my copies postings bandied about in my face, copied and pasted and whatever.  But I am who I am, I am whom I have always been and chose to share my journey with whomever wanted to go along for the ride.  Those who chose to use my postings against me?  Good for them.  That also almost had me running for the hills.

God knows, with the exception of a few, I felt really alone.

But I digress…it’s no longer important.  I am alive.

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Father, father….

June 21st, 2015 | By andrena in betrayal, family, grace, Healing, rage | No Comments »

Happy Fathers Day in honor of all the little girls who lost their fathers due to abuse, who have lost their heart and the safety of their childhood, in the dark of those terrible places.

Father, father, why you let me go?

For all little girls, who were groomed and ‘set aside’; traumatized.

“You’ve gone too far from what I know”…and have spent their lives reclaiming that part of themselves they lost in the dark and skipping into the light.

For ALL the abused children in the world, who grew up behind secret doors, hiding their pain, when all they wanted was to love and be loved.

If you are not already, I pray you find safe places and safe people to release your pain, safe places that will allow you to love and be loved. The whole you.  I am still healing.

I pray you love YOU. There is grace in there somewhere.  Perhaps the grace is knowing that I am not alone and I continue to give voice to the betrayal and trauma.  If you are out there, know that you are not alone. It is a road well traveled, just hushed.

Forgiveness is a process. I am sad. I miss having and knowing a real father.

“Father, please”.

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