22 December 2016 | By andrena in betrayal, Church, death, Friends, General, grace, Healing, Health, rage | No Comments Yet
I didn’t realize that my silence has been felt by a few…thank you for checking in on me. It’s been a lot going on, and I have had to ‘ground’ myself as best I could. I am relatively okay, and I love you.
As you know, this has been terrifically challenging year for me and mine. I know as I was going through, I took a lot of you with me. I believe that is how Christ would have us be during challenging times. Things were going so fast and hard at one point, I can’t believe I didn’t lose my mind, in addition to almost losing my life.
I have suffered great loss, this year:
Serious loss of my health as I knew it, loss of my vocation, loss of the congregation and membership. Some of that loss seemed and felt unnecessary in its machinations.
But as Paul would write to the church in Corinth:
“We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed.”– 2 Corinthians 4:8-9
I am sure my feelings were not in the same manner as Paul’s, considering what he was going through, but I can very well attest to these feelings, and gosh darn-it, a few times I almost caved in.
My heart was about to give out on me, I had to have not one, but two operations for a successful pacemaker/defibrillator implantation. I don’t have to repeat everything that happened during that time, I documented it all on Facebook, of which I was somewhat chastised. I have had my copies postings bandied about in my face, copied and pasted and whatever. But I am who I am, I am whom I have always been and chose to share my journey with whomever wanted to go along for the ride. Those who chose to use my postings against me? Good for them. That also almost had me running for the hills.
God knows, with the exception of a few, I felt really alone.
But I digress…it’s no longer important. I am alive.
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01 October 2016 | By andrena in Church, grace, Healing, Health, TheBook | No Comments Yet
Today’s reflection: Our Daily Bread: Hold On
I’m sure we all have viewed some figurative towering cliffs in our lives. Some of them beautiful, some of them terrifying. I know I have.
I don’t know that I could brave that cable car without a motor to reach those heights. I don’t know that I could brave the cable car WITH a motor. I am terribly afraid of heights. And yet, there have been times in my life when I have traveled the “cable cars of life”… willingly stepping into situations where someone else was in control of the ride.
Most of you know my testimony: I grew up a witness to domestic violence in my house, suffered sexual abuse at the hands of my father, endured domestic violence in my first marriage, and throughout the ride I calmed my fears with drugs and alcohol. I became homeless and contracted the HIV virus. Holding on was NOT an option….my cable car lost control and zipped and dipped through my life. Catching my breath was the closest thing I could do, to holding on.
And then I met the woman who was bent over in the bible, (The bent over woman and Jesus). And I met the man called Jesus, who told her to straighten up, and that she was free from her ailment(s). I also heard the leader of the synagogue fussing because Christ had the audacity to heal this woman. That story became my cable, it became the motor which would slow the cable car down for me to get off, straighten myself up and get on another cable car.
Life has been a beautiful, sometimes dizzying ride up mountains and even down into the valleys. Only someone who has gone through their own trials and unraveling cables can understand. Only someone who has come out on the other side would understand the beauty of this gospel, the beauty of my life, the beauty of my journey. I hold on to my Creator every minute of the day. Twenty eight years later, I still step into a car that is not really meant for me and taken on a ride. I fight against verbally backing people up off of me. I fight against hating. I fight against using. Not just using drugs/alcohol…but using behaviors which will send my cable car spiraling into an abyss of confusion, while at the same time dodging arrows meant to harm me.
I hold on to the moment I heard that story. Read Full Post