Music is my muse: Send in the rage….

23 September 2014 | By andrena in betrayal, DatLife, Friends, friendship, General, Health, rage, Rant | No Comments Yet

…you know the rest.  Well, almost:  “…Don’t bother, it’s here!”

I’ve finally recognized that music is my muse! She is my inspiration in writing. She motivates me, she wiggles in and out of my brain and has her way with me. She is all I have ever really had, and I carry her with me wherever I go; listening to the soundtrack of my life.

She dances, she twirls, she shakes her tambourine and rain stick. She causes the words to dance and twirl too and eventually they shake their way out and make themselves known.

Music is my muse…but I guess some of you have known that all along.

NeeCee, my inner child loves to play in the playground; jumping rope and swinging to her hearts delight and is filled with childish mischievousness. You’ve probably seen her at play.

NeeCee is well cared for, now. A year of hard work has bought us together…I know how to care for her and nurture her. She is no longer ignored or put on a shelf…she is me and I am her.

Oh….but then there is Denise….oh…that Denise…the protectress, who has had to care for NeeCee through her trauma and all her life, and has had to care for herself during those years when she was battling her demons. She would battle for you too, if she felt you needed her. And then, she would slip into obscurity – sometimes years at a time….but always there…simmering and twirling.

I finally acknowledged her last week.

And then today, a song came into my head…it was Denise reminding me:

“Don’t you forget about me
I’ll be alone, dancing you know it baby
Going to take you apart
I’ll put us back together at heart, baby”.

Hard to ignore “rage” for too long. It’s part of the process too! So it looks like another year, dealing with this aspect of my life. A new therapist, a new piece of acknowledged brokenness to be incorporated into the whole of Andrena.

It took the betrayal of a friendship (again)…to pull Denise out of her controlled solitude to look at herself/myself in the mirror. NeeCee will swing and skip this one out.

Thank you Beth

Racism – listen and hush

22 August 2014 | By andrena in Friends, General, Healing, Health, Racism | No Comments Yet

eggsI woke up with a headache, and it has “racism” written all over it. Here’s the thing: racism exists. I have personally experienced it. My son has personally experienced it. Of course, not to the degree that my parents, grandparents and great-great-great-grandparents – beginning with my ancestor:

Tarleton “Slave” Fleming (1738).

But — we have experienced it personally as it continues to reach its icy-hot tentacles out from the abyss of yesterday, into today…

I will not go into all the painful experiences I have encountered at the hands of certain persons. I will not say that ALL persons are responsible. There are those who have proven themselves allies to our cause.

But what gives me this headache is those who refuse to hear, those who continue to deny, those who try and flip the script and make excuses. Those who continually try to tell us, that what we are experiencing is not what we know it to be. We have lived it. We are living it. It seems to be part of OUR DNA.

What gives me this headache is that some folks don’t even want to be still and just listen and learn. Just hesh! You don’t have to have a response every time we try and explain to you how it feels. When I am telling you I have a pain…I am not expecting you to be able to make it go away, pronto.

What I do want you to know is that if you just be quiet and LISTEN, maybe you can begin to understand just how deep this issue runs and how afraid people are to even acknowledge it.

Serenity Now!
Divinity Now!

Walking in my Divine Serenity today. Ashe!

Namaste, Shalom, Peace — feeling Divine regardless of the circumstances.

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